Website critic · est. 2026
Table for one. Bring tissues.

Your website
gets reviewed
tonight.

Drop a URL. Our chef reads every word on your homepage, looks at the actual page, and files a review you probably deserve. Then rewrites your headline for free, because we are not monsters.

Please roast your own site. No website yet? Chef Zero knows people who build them. Only a bright idea? He will roast that just as rudely.

Order #0001 Kitchen open
https://

Free. No account. We roast the website, never the person who built it. Reviews are private unless you choose to publish one.

The specials board

Reviews their owners chose to make public. Tap one to read the damage without typing anything, or see the whole board.

🔥
In the kitchen
  • Plating a screenshot
  • Reading your headline out loud
  • Looking for a phone number
  • Searching for signs of life
  • Checking if anyone vouched for you
  • Writing the review
Full flame
42 /100
🔥 Burnt
★☆☆☆☆

Zero Stars

Kitchen inspection

Measured on the page, not guessed. The score comes from these. The jokes come after.

    Now watch a real chef plate it

    Same business. Same offer. Three lines, rewritten in front of you.

    What you serve now

    What the chef would serve

    Fix these three first

    Chef's final words
    Chef Zero Dines unannounced. Pays for nothing. Apologises for less.

    Feeling brave?

    Put your site next to a competitor and let the chef pick a winner. One score each, one reason, one card you can send to your boss.

    You survived service